Tuesday, August 12, 2014

My D&C experience...

What a week, last wednesday was the day that Cody and I saw through ultra sound that our little baby didn't have a heart beat. Thursday was the day that we went to the doctor to confirm everything we already knew, talked through our options and scheduled our D&C for today. August 12th 2014 will have a special imprint on my mind for the rest of my life, just as I remember February 25th 2014 as the day that I passed my little one during my first miscarriage.

Our morning started with a check in time at 6:45 am we were taken back to our room where I got undressed and redressed into surgical attire, to be prepared for the surgery. I had the worlds cutest nicest nurse ever, she was an older lady named Darius (Like darius rucker) and did everything she could to keep both cody and I informed, comfortable and happy while we waited. She began my IV and got the anesthesiologist, surgery nurse and my doctor, Dr. Jacobs to come into the room and talk to us even more in depth about the procedure. After everyone left Cody and I just talked for a few minutes about how fortunate we were to have such great people working around us and reassured us that we had made the right decision.
Within minutes everyone returned back into our room and had Cody and I say our goodbyes and started to wheel me out of the room, the nurse had put something in my IV and literally by the time we hit the door my head felt like it was floating and very tingly, even though I was still aware of everything going on at that time, we entered into the room and they had me switch beds I remember asking the nurse a question (but for the life of me I can't remember what I asked her) and then everything went blank... I woke up in the recovery room and cody came in shortly after to help discharge me and get me dressed.
He told me that when the doctor came out to tell him how everything went during the procedure that he grabbed him and took him into a more private room to tell him everything. Dr.Jacobs told him that the procedure went well but that they did have a scary bleeding issue, he said that after he had cleaned me out and finished everything he started to walk out the door to go talk to cody and had a distinct thought that he needed to check me again so instead of ignoring the thought he turned around and reentered the surgery room to check me again, when he inserted an object to open me up to do a cotton swab test to check for bleeding (this is kind of gross so if you don't want a weird blood explanation then stop reading now.) he said that blood started to shoot out of me like a garden hose, luckily he was quick to react and was able to stop the bleeding some how. He told Cody that had he not been able to stop it or if it would have gone a little longer they would have had to do a blood transfusion (or worse) and kept me overnight. It is so crazy how things can go from just fine and an easy routine to scary and critical within seconds. I am so grateful for a loving heavenly father whom I know for a fact had a hand in everything today, He blessed me with an amazing doctor who without his quick thinking intuition could have turned our situation into a very critical one.  I know that I was watched over and protected today and I am so grateful for the people who were there along the way.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Update :)

Thank you to everyone who read my emotional word vomit in my last post, it is a miracle that anyone was able to make it through the entire post my thoughts were so jumbled. I wanted to post a quick update on my situation to let everyone know what was going on.
We went in to see my doctor the day after my ultrasound to confirm everything that I already knew, my poor doctor came in and basically told us that there was no easy way to say what he had to say but that we had lost this pregnancy and began giving us options on what steps we should take next. He said we had three options, one was he could give us some pills that I could take at home that would pretty much make me go into a "labor" so I could pass the baby that way, he told us this option isn't his favorite because it is more painful and you bleed quite a bit. Our second option was to allow my body to get rid of it on its own, the only problem with that was that the fetus had been dead in there for the past three weeks and hadn't passed yet and he was unsure how much longer it would take , he said I could pass it in a week or it could possibly take a few more weeks everyone was different. Our last option was a d&c where he will go in surgically and remove the fetus and clean everything out for me that way. I remembered that my sister in laws first pregnancy was similar to the one I have just experienced in her body did not get rid of the baby either and she was eleven weeks and the baby had passed at seven, she told me that her doctor had given her the pills to clean her out and that it was the most painful thing she had experienced and she ended up having to go in and do a d and c anyways. I also knew that I didn't want to just continue carrying my dead baby in me any longer than I had to either so I chose to do a d&c and we will be getting that done tomorrow morning. I am scared to death, I haven't done a surgery since I was a volleyball player in college and had to do shoulder surgery, I know that everything will be ok and that all will work out the way that it is suppose to in the end. Heavenly Father has been my constant companion these past few days and I am so grateful to know that he loves me so much that he will comfort me and take all of my sorrows and pain away. I can't describe the way that this has changed my life, I know now that the quote "faith in god means faith in his timing." Has never been more real and true in my life. Thank you again everyone for your love and support.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Dealing with a loss...

First of all I would like to say that I am a VERY private person with these kinds of issues but for some reason I felt the need to write this post. Not necessarily because I felt like someone else needed to read what I wrote (Im a terrible writer) But because I needed to do this post for myself, to help my heart heal.

The best place to start this I suppose would be the very beginning... Cody and I decided to start seriously trying for baby number two when river was 18months (December) and to my surprise and excitement I became pregnant the next month. We were so happy and grateful that we were able to conceive so quickly we immediately said a family prayer to thank heavenly father for this beautiful blessing that had taken part in our lives. I remember calling the OBGYN the day that I got a positive pregnancy test and them telling me I would have to wait a dreaded 5 weeks until I could come in for my first appointment ugh.. agony! This pregnancy was different from my pregnancy with river, I felt so "off" and I was immediately bloated super bad but I privately thought that it was because we were having a baby boy I would walk around catching myself singing and humming nursery rimes and smiling down at my non existent baby bump thinking how fun it was going to be to have two kiddos. Fast forward to 7 1/2 weeks and I woke up one morning with some slight cramping and when I went to the bathroom and wiped there was blood (TMI? sorry) I remember my heart dropped and tears immediately filled and over flowed from my eyes. I knew what this was but I couldn't say it out loud I didn't want to believe it, I called Cody and told him the sad news and went on with my day trying not to think about it, I remember the pain I had as I passed our baby and the other clots along with it. I also remember having to put a big fake smile on my face and be a happy and fun mom for River playing hide and seek with her and running after her outside on the play house. I had to be strong I had to be happy I didn't have time to mourn the loss of my little one, I didn't want to admit that I had gone through a miscarriage and I hated more than anything to cry in front of other people or be vulnerable (I have always had a hard time with emotions) I just wanted to move on and try to put it behind me, so I did what I always do I shut my emotion off and I went on pretending like it had never happened.

Now we can skip forward another few months to taking yet another pregnancy test in June and to our delight having it show as positive. We were ecstatic once again and this pregnancy felt more "normal" I was more tired than usual but other than that I was lucky enough to not get sick. At the beginning I remember being a little scared and unsure weather or not I should even tell anyone about this pregnancy at all because of what happened with my last one, but after talking to Cody we decided to tell both our families, and wait until we knew the gender of the baby before telling anyone else.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 weeks and refused to allow myself to call the OBGYN like last time until I was at least 8 or 9 weeks because I didn't want to make myself look like a fool again. Let me tell you, those three and a half weeks were pure heck for me to hold off calling my doctor and setting up my appointment.
Then the day finally came that I went in for my first appointment and of course with my terrible luck my doctor ended up not being able to see me so I had to answer all the prenatal questions with his nurse and then she scheduled my ultrasound and took my blood work.
Today was the day that I have waited close to 11 weeks for, the day that I would finally hear my babies heartbeat and see that cute little nugget on the screen. I have been asking river all day if "we were going to see our baby in mommy's tummy today?" She of course would point to her tummy and laugh and say yes (cutest thing ever) I was anxious and excited and even a little bit nervous as we entered the hospital and filled out the paper work.
There was a long hallway that we walked down and I can't explain the feeling that I had as we entered the room where the ultrasound was to be performed, I had never had that queazy nervous feeling before other than during scary movies and for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling. My ultra sound tech was super sweet and did the first set of pictures and measurements on the outside of my stomach. she got some really great shots of the yolk sack and my uterous as well as our little baby, she was even excited because she was able to see the baby so well. I looked over at cody and river smiling in relief because I was so grateful our baby was in there, she finished on the outside and had me empty my bladder and set up for my vaginal ultrasound. At this point I was able to have a big sigh of relief I had seen my baby I knew that there was a baby in there so there was no need to be nervous anymore right? I entered back into the room more confident but kind of nervous at the same time, I laid back on the bed and looked up at the screen. As we began the ultrasound I immediately knew something was off. When I did this ultrasound with river she was bouncing around all over the place, this precious baby of ours just sat there. This tiny little mass that I kept telling to move or jump or do something to reassure me that it was still alive, but again nothing happened. My tech asked me if I was sure that my period dates were correct and I told her "yes, why? does it measure small?" her response was "yea, according to your period you should be close to eleven weeks but your measuring just over seven." My heart stopped. I immediately had to look away from her because of the sting of tears that I could feel in my eyes, so I continued to stare blankly up at the screen and watch her do the rest of her measurements. She looking for the fetal heart rate.... Nothing, just a blank straight line... Tears immediately poured from my eyes, I wanted to just tell the lady to stop, I didn't want to finish I just wanted to go home. I kept thinking to myself; why do you keep measuring? whats the point? why the heck do you have to look at my ovaries? I am done, done DONE! let me out of here! but instead I sat there trying to keep it together because at this point river was in my face kissing me and laughing. Towards the end of my ultrasound the tech said that she needed to talk to the radiologist and have him come in and see me. I just sat staring at her as she exited the room feeling completely deflated of life and spirit. I was so confused, How did this happen again? What is wrong with me? What do I do now? This pregnancy felt so good compared to the last one? How, how how!!?? I turned to Cody and told him that it wasn't good he gave me a look confirming that he knew, and about that time our tech reentered the room. She wouldn't/couldn't even look me in the eye as she said happily to have a nice day and our doctor would be in touch with us. I wanted to ring her neck! Have a nice day?! Are you serious?! I had the biggest lump in my throat that I couldn't even think about talking to her, and then I heard cody ask "how did everything look in your opinion." I looked at her and she gave me the saddest look I have every seen and just plainly said with a shrug "I didn't see much movement in there, Im so sorry." and walked out the door. I sat there in disbelief for a minute trying to compose my emotions enough to answer rivers little voice asking me questions about my tummy and a baby being in there. I just wanted to roll up in a ball and hide I was so sad and yet for a split second I was actually angry. I experienced every emotion imaginable this afternoon I know that my loss is very small compared to other losses and other fertility trials but it still hurts and is hard and even though I hate to cry I finally allowed myself to just go into the bathroom  and sob and sob and sob some more I feel like I was crying for both of my lost babies. I finally allowed myself to mourn my lost baby in february. It feels so much better to let those emotions surface and come out. Im so sorry for those of you who have been through this multiple times, or who struggle with fertility period. We all have different trials in this life and I have faith in my father in heavens plan, He won't give us a trial that we aren't strong enough to handle.
I know that my heavenly father loves me and has blessed me with a beautiful life and a family that I love more than anything in this world, and If I'm not meant to have anymore children I am so incredibly grateful for the spunky one that I have. Gods plan is mysterious, that is what makes this life so fun and so hard, none of us know what the future holds but I have faith and am so grateful for gods tender spirit as I felt it with me not only today but every time I am going through something hard. if anything I have learned to lean on him more and to turn to him for advice rather than try to figure everything out on my own. I know that I am a strong person, but every strong person needs to let go from time to time also. I will get through this it may take a little while but I know I can and will move on again.

Kerby Family Pictures 2014

Oh hey! has it really been close to two years since my last blog post? I never was very good at keeping this thing updated but still two years is a bit much. We have had a lot going on in our lives, we moved to Billings Montana and I hated life there for about 9 months. So we moved back to Idaho where Cody started shadowing and started an abatement company here that has kept him very busy. We have been so grateful for all of our blessings!

So anywho we all got together for the fourth of July at my parents house out in Fruitland and were able to get some family pictures done by the fabulous Randi Davies (My wedding photographer) who did an amazing job, especially with what she had to work with. River was Terrible!! The second picture depicts her attitude towards that day perfectly haha.... But we were still able to calm her down and get a couple good shots. We are sure grateful for our beautiful loving family.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Kerby Family Pictures

Over the Christmas holiday Teryn, garret me and our families were all together at our parents house and decided we needed to take a family picture since we had river, mogley and prego Teryn to add to the bunch. Cheri Carr took the pictures for us at a park up in Boise and I think they turned out pretty darn cute. By the end of the session none of us could feel our fingers or toes but I guess you could say it was worth it since they turned out good! I loved having all of the family together and being able to catch up with everyone. Love you guys! (Loads more pictures on my fb page!) :)

By the way we have rivers MRI scheduled for next Friday the 25th! Wish us luck! :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

7 months!

This beautiful little girl hit the 7 month mark on the 13th! At her 6 month appointment she was 16 pounds 2 ounces and 25 3/4 inches long, when we went to the doctor yesterday they weighed her again and she was 17 pounds and 28 inches long! She is growing like a weed, it is definitely bittersweet for this momma because part of me wants her to stay this cute little baby forever while the other half of me gets more excited about the milestones she hits than she does. I'm sure if your friends with me on fb or Instagram you can see she is one strong little woman, she loves to stand, I honestly think she will skip crawling and just move straight to walking because she doesn't enjoy sitting and being put on her hands and knees. She has been rolling around all over the place since she was 3 months old and started sitting up around 5 1/2 months. She looooves to eat and has been nursing along with eating baby food. We think she may become a little singer as she sings her little heart out anytime she hears music, and would love to join the church choir, she loves when they sing at church. she is a little ball of energy and the best baby we could ever ask for, happy all the time (unless tired or hungry) we are so grateful for her in our lives.
Now I have to admit that I have never been so happy in my life as I am being a mom to river but I also have never been so stressed in my life, how can something make you want to burst with happiness and cry or lose sleep with the amount of stress and worry she causes? Not very many people know what has happened with her so I guess I will start from the beginning. When river was born her eyes drifted really far apart in an outward direction I was told that it would correct itself by 3 months, well three months came and went and still there was this drifting that didn't seem to get better so we went to a children's ophthalmologist and they said that she had to have surgery and that it may be a neurological problem. I went home bawling and feeling so hopeless, they also told us to start patching her eyes to try to strengthen them a bit. After MANY prayers and priesthood blessing and patching everyday her eyes had pretty much corrected themselves (totally unheard of when the eyes drift outward) I was so happy and excited to go back to the eye doctor at 6 months and show her the progress. The doctor was shocked at the progress and started her eye exam, just when I thought all was fine we found what is called a rotary nystagmus... This is where her eyes shake and since it wasn't present at birth it is most likely caused by something neurologically meaning she could have a tumor, developing ms or other scary disorders. Now I'm not saying that she for sure has any of these things but these are the most common reasons for nystagmus to appear in people. We had an appointment with a children's neurologist yesterday and she advised us to do an MRI so we will hopefully be doing that next week and are praying that there won't be anything wrong with our beautiful baby girl. I'm so grateful for the power of prayer and blessings, I will let everyone know how it goes.

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Friday, September 14, 2012


Cody and I have been together for over five years now and we celebrated our four year wedding anniversary on July 10th It is insane how the older I get the faster the years seem to come and go! I love Cody more now then I did the day that we were sealed together in the Idaho Falls Temple, I love that he gave me the opportunity to be a mother and I love watching him be such an amazing father. Cody you are my best friend and I am so incredibly grateful to have you in my life, thank you for being the great man and father that you are.

 Yay He did it!! Cody graduated from BYUI the end of July in Exercise Physiology with a minor in Chemistry. We are currently living in Fruitland while Cody finishes his internship and gets shadowing hours AND prepares to take the MCAT in January. Phew! We have a busy schedule!
 Shortly after moving back home Cody, River and I went to the Boise greenbelt with Teryn and her two girls to hang out for the day.

 Our first family picture together...
 River hit her two month mark and we took some cute pictures of her to compare from when  she was first born.
 What a doll! I just love those cheeks!
 What else happens when you hit the two month mark? Oh your baby has to get shots! :( Such a sad day!
 River loves her daddy

We went to Utah for my best friends wedding!

 I love this girl!!
 Yay for three months!!haha... Her dad loves her john deer camo shirt.
 My little beauty
 I sure do love this little lady of mine!