Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Dealing with a loss...
First of all I would like to say that I am a VERY private person with these kinds of issues but for some reason I felt the need to write this post. Not necessarily because I felt like someone else needed to read what I wrote (Im a terrible writer) But because I needed to do this post for myself, to help my heart heal.
The best place to start this I suppose would be the very beginning... Cody and I decided to start seriously trying for baby number two when river was 18months (December) and to my surprise and excitement I became pregnant the next month. We were so happy and grateful that we were able to conceive so quickly we immediately said a family prayer to thank heavenly father for this beautiful blessing that had taken part in our lives. I remember calling the OBGYN the day that I got a positive pregnancy test and them telling me I would have to wait a dreaded 5 weeks until I could come in for my first appointment ugh.. agony! This pregnancy was different from my pregnancy with river, I felt so "off" and I was immediately bloated super bad but I privately thought that it was because we were having a baby boy I would walk around catching myself singing and humming nursery rimes and smiling down at my non existent baby bump thinking how fun it was going to be to have two kiddos. Fast forward to 7 1/2 weeks and I woke up one morning with some slight cramping and when I went to the bathroom and wiped there was blood (TMI? sorry) I remember my heart dropped and tears immediately filled and over flowed from my eyes. I knew what this was but I couldn't say it out loud I didn't want to believe it, I called Cody and told him the sad news and went on with my day trying not to think about it, I remember the pain I had as I passed our baby and the other clots along with it. I also remember having to put a big fake smile on my face and be a happy and fun mom for River playing hide and seek with her and running after her outside on the play house. I had to be strong I had to be happy I didn't have time to mourn the loss of my little one, I didn't want to admit that I had gone through a miscarriage and I hated more than anything to cry in front of other people or be vulnerable (I have always had a hard time with emotions) I just wanted to move on and try to put it behind me, so I did what I always do I shut my emotion off and I went on pretending like it had never happened.
Now we can skip forward another few months to taking yet another pregnancy test in June and to our delight having it show as positive. We were ecstatic once again and this pregnancy felt more "normal" I was more tired than usual but other than that I was lucky enough to not get sick. At the beginning I remember being a little scared and unsure weather or not I should even tell anyone about this pregnancy at all because of what happened with my last one, but after talking to Cody we decided to tell both our families, and wait until we knew the gender of the baby before telling anyone else.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 weeks and refused to allow myself to call the OBGYN like last time until I was at least 8 or 9 weeks because I didn't want to make myself look like a fool again. Let me tell you, those three and a half weeks were pure heck for me to hold off calling my doctor and setting up my appointment.
Then the day finally came that I went in for my first appointment and of course with my terrible luck my doctor ended up not being able to see me so I had to answer all the prenatal questions with his nurse and then she scheduled my ultrasound and took my blood work.
Today was the day that I have waited close to 11 weeks for, the day that I would finally hear my babies heartbeat and see that cute little nugget on the screen. I have been asking river all day if "we were going to see our baby in mommy's tummy today?" She of course would point to her tummy and laugh and say yes (cutest thing ever) I was anxious and excited and even a little bit nervous as we entered the hospital and filled out the paper work.
There was a long hallway that we walked down and I can't explain the feeling that I had as we entered the room where the ultrasound was to be performed, I had never had that queazy nervous feeling before other than during scary movies and for some reason I couldn't shake the feeling. My ultra sound tech was super sweet and did the first set of pictures and measurements on the outside of my stomach. she got some really great shots of the yolk sack and my uterous as well as our little baby, she was even excited because she was able to see the baby so well. I looked over at cody and river smiling in relief because I was so grateful our baby was in there, she finished on the outside and had me empty my bladder and set up for my vaginal ultrasound. At this point I was able to have a big sigh of relief I had seen my baby I knew that there was a baby in there so there was no need to be nervous anymore right? I entered back into the room more confident but kind of nervous at the same time, I laid back on the bed and looked up at the screen. As we began the ultrasound I immediately knew something was off. When I did this ultrasound with river she was bouncing around all over the place, this precious baby of ours just sat there. This tiny little mass that I kept telling to move or jump or do something to reassure me that it was still alive, but again nothing happened. My tech asked me if I was sure that my period dates were correct and I told her "yes, why? does it measure small?" her response was "yea, according to your period you should be close to eleven weeks but your measuring just over seven." My heart stopped. I immediately had to look away from her because of the sting of tears that I could feel in my eyes, so I continued to stare blankly up at the screen and watch her do the rest of her measurements. She looking for the fetal heart rate.... Nothing, just a blank straight line... Tears immediately poured from my eyes, I wanted to just tell the lady to stop, I didn't want to finish I just wanted to go home. I kept thinking to myself; why do you keep measuring? whats the point? why the heck do you have to look at my ovaries? I am done, done DONE! let me out of here! but instead I sat there trying to keep it together because at this point river was in my face kissing me and laughing. Towards the end of my ultrasound the tech said that she needed to talk to the radiologist and have him come in and see me. I just sat staring at her as she exited the room feeling completely deflated of life and spirit. I was so confused, How did this happen again? What is wrong with me? What do I do now? This pregnancy felt so good compared to the last one? How, how how!!?? I turned to Cody and told him that it wasn't good he gave me a look confirming that he knew, and about that time our tech reentered the room. She wouldn't/couldn't even look me in the eye as she said happily to have a nice day and our doctor would be in touch with us. I wanted to ring her neck! Have a nice day?! Are you serious?! I had the biggest lump in my throat that I couldn't even think about talking to her, and then I heard cody ask "how did everything look in your opinion." I looked at her and she gave me the saddest look I have every seen and just plainly said with a shrug "I didn't see much movement in there, Im so sorry." and walked out the door. I sat there in disbelief for a minute trying to compose my emotions enough to answer rivers little voice asking me questions about my tummy and a baby being in there. I just wanted to roll up in a ball and hide I was so sad and yet for a split second I was actually angry. I experienced every emotion imaginable this afternoon I know that my loss is very small compared to other losses and other fertility trials but it still hurts and is hard and even though I hate to cry I finally allowed myself to just go into the bathroom and sob and sob and sob some more I feel like I was crying for both of my lost babies. I finally allowed myself to mourn my lost baby in february. It feels so much better to let those emotions surface and come out. Im so sorry for those of you who have been through this multiple times, or who struggle with fertility period. We all have different trials in this life and I have faith in my father in heavens plan, He won't give us a trial that we aren't strong enough to handle.
I know that my heavenly father loves me and has blessed me with a beautiful life and a family that I love more than anything in this world, and If I'm not meant to have anymore children I am so incredibly grateful for the spunky one that I have. Gods plan is mysterious, that is what makes this life so fun and so hard, none of us know what the future holds but I have faith and am so grateful for gods tender spirit as I felt it with me not only today but every time I am going through something hard. if anything I have learned to lean on him more and to turn to him for advice rather than try to figure everything out on my own. I know that I am a strong person, but every strong person needs to let go from time to time also. I will get through this it may take a little while but I know I can and will move on again.
Posted by Cody and Kylee at 7:47 PM